Suggestions to the Commissioner to make the game more fun to watch and to snag more viewers-even some of those pesky Europeans.
The football season is over, the last Super Bowl Commercial shown and here's a confession to make:
I hate football. It soaks up our lives. I hate how I cheer, grimace, groan. I hate how my ten year old is calling in plays to the TV screen and how increasingly, the coach seems to be listening to her. I hate it, I love it. I love the drama, the tension, the junk food and the cheap wine. Watching NFL football would almost be the perfect pastime except for a few small, easily fixable flaws.
Here are a few suggestions to make the game absolutely perfect:
1. Move the schedule back three weeks.
All of the exhibition season and the first three or four games that count have to compete with sweet summer and autumn Sundays. Don't make us choose between a walk in the woods and the Dallas game. Moving the schedule back would also push the Super Bowl to the end of February, almost to the beginning of spring training. This would serve to almost eliminate the Dreary Season, that stretch of time with nothing but hockey and basketball to watch and (therefore) nothing to live vicariously for.
2. Introduce the "Hoffman One Ton" rule.
The HOT rule would specify that the total weight of a team's contingent on the field at any one time not exceed one ton: 2000 lbs. That's an average weight of 181 lbs., considerably less than the current heft per team.
Aside from being easier on the turf, imposing a weight limit would have some immediate beneficial effects:
•Increase athleticism. If instead of having to pick only the biggest men at each position, coaches had to consider the team's 'weight cap', better, smaller athletes might be playing the game. If all the lard is on the line, then running backs and wide receivers could be picked for sheer speed.
•Overcome dilution. There are a lot more great athletes who would be eligible to play the game under the HOT rule. With more athletes to choose from, the overall quality is bound to go up.
•Reduce injuries. There's a lot less damage done when two 180- somethings smash into each other than when two 250's collide. Careers would be extended and the post-season results would be more likely to reflect quality of play instead of which team had the best orthopedic patch-up service. We, as fans would most likely be spared distasteful shows like the last two Eagles' games of the regular 2005 season.
•Introduce a colorful, pre-game weigh-in ceremony with some unique opportunities to sell commercials.
If the NFL wants to attract more women to its national and international audience, it's just possible that a parade of young athletes wearing nothing but towels might do the trick. If that worked, they could switch to the next level, which is having the players on the field naked save for a loin cloth. If the big,big boys of sumo can do it, why can't the bad boys of the NFL?
3. Get rid of jerky announcers.
Let's face it, your high school English teacher would flunk most of the people who announce NFL games. The college game, which should be better, is actually worse. A lot of Philadelphia fans used to watch the broadcast and listen to the radiocast of Eagles' games. The satellite delay makes that a bit unnerving now, but maybe the NFL could give us the option of watching the broadcast and listening to the commentary on any one of several licensed channels.
- the Moron Channel. For the truly impaired-just use the current TV announcers and add a few grunts.
- the Dweeb Channel. Announced entirely by ex-coaches assisted by Dennis Miller.
- the Affect Channel . For those guys who aren't afraid to show their emotions-announcers would focus on the inner game. We'd hear things like “ I wonder how he feels about that?” after a quarter back has thrown his third pick of the half.
4. Introduce overhead shots make the x's and o's come alive
Football is a game of strategy, but we hardly ever get a camera angle that shows what works. Even the high-in-the-stands shot doesn't do it. The telephoto lenses compress the distances between players and distort the viewers' sense of what's possible.
5. Lose no opportunity to explain the game.
Football is easy to watch and hard to understand. Use the intervals between plays to tell us what just happened and how. Otherwise, the game is no better than a reality TV show. If you have to use jargon, explain the jargon. What's 'the slot'? Why are the backs lined up ' in the I'? What are all those moves that the linemen are said to be using? How does a swing pass differ from a post pattern? Just what exactly is a screen anyway? And while we're at it, whatever happened to the Eagle defense's penchant for ripping the ball from the hands of tackled runners? Knowledgeable fans are loyal fans, give us the knowledge.
Put these five simple reforms in place and by next year, we might all be hating football even more and paying to watch NFL Europe on cable.
